Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
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Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
motivation
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.