[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
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Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
doing your own taxes
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.