My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
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My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
the prophecy has been fulfilled
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.