Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
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how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.