@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
You Might Also Like
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
Really shocked to hear about the dead worm. I didn’t even know it was sick.
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
dan dan noodles… the food so nice they danned it twice. thanks for liking my posts
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
North and South
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?