People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
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Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect