[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
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Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
I wish all tests were things you peed on
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in