Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
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An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake