If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
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Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*