Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
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Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
me logging onto twitter
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
Current mood: Potato
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.