there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
You Might Also Like
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
Business owners’ worst nightmare would be if sign twirlers unionized. Those people excel at holding signs. Their picket lines would be spectacular.
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
Incredible customer service.
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.