I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
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Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
The cashier just checked me out.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone