I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
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I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”