Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
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Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
Krampus.
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.