Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
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Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
Air conditioning – not a fan
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
Autocorrect is my menesis
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.