The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
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Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.