“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
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Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins