DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
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Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
Moms. The original autocorrect.
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
i dont have time for this
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro