#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
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If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage