pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
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Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
My dress code is business-casualty.
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
I’m putting together a team
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*