No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
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I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
I’m a bad influence on myself.
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.