“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
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Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.