I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
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I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
I can’t stop watching this.
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.