i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
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Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe