If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
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Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
it’s either covid or clever vampires
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!