Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
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My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.