Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
You Might Also Like
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
Have kids, they said
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.