[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
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[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?