Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
You Might Also Like
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why