My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
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Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
Haha good job!!
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone