My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
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[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.