Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
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I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
Trumpy Cat
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?