Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
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My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me: