At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
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Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
You have been warned.
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
.
.
.
.
.
GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.