<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
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Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
This meeting could have been a cake
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it