*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
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Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell