Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
You Might Also Like
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
The happy life.. 😊
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.