vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
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My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code