What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A Lamborghini.
Just kidding. Sheep can’t afford a Lambo. They just take an Ewe-ber.
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4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
the saddest jazz hands ever
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
happy friday
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃