Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
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The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.