Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
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My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks