*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
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What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
Worst perfume name ever.
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. got some sick rhymes about debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS