*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
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Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”