Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
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If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨