Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
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I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.