I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
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6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.