Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
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I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra