Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
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On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?