haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
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hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
#ParentingFacts
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.