[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
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Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer